When a relationship takes up more space than you want
It may involve a partner, a parent, an adult child, a sibling or someone else close to you. Sometimes one particular relationship takes a lot of energy. Sometimes similar difficulties recur with different people.
Perhaps you read the mood before saying anything, hold back things you really want to express or adapt yourself to avoid a reaction. Perhaps you scrutinise the other person, seek reassurance or go over the same conflict again and again. It may also become harder to know what you yourself think, need or want to do.
You do not first need to know whether the problem lies mainly in the interaction, the other person’s behaviour or your own reactions. These are things we can try to work out together.
When your own reactions become difficult
Jealousy, anger, fear, guilt or a strong need for certainty can take up a lot of space and feel difficult to talk about. The reactions may be connected with things that are actually happening in the relationship, past experiences, uncertainty or several things at once. I do not begin by assuming that the issue lies only within you.
Scrutinising, looking for signs, reading old messages or repeatedly seeking reassurance can reduce uncertainty in the moment. For some people, it also increases the need for further checking and puts more strain on the relationship. We explore whether it works that way for you, without beginning with a ready-made explanation.
Other patterns may be withdrawing, adapting more than you want to, testing the other person or ending up in the same conflict again and again. We map what triggers the reactions, what you do to handle them and what the consequences are. You can then try other ways of acting.
When there is control, threats or violence
Relationship difficulties and violence are not the same thing. But sometimes a relationship involves control, threats, degrading treatment, sexual abuse, financial restrictions or isolation from other people. Violence does not have to be physical, and responsibility always lies with the person using it.
You do not need to be able to decide what to call it to seek help. Nor do you need to have decided whether to stay or leave.
If you are afraid of being harmed or need protection, other support may be more important than an ordinary therapy session. You can contact social services, the police or 1177. 1177 also has information about support organisations for different groups. Call 112 if the situation is urgent.
Your part is within reach. It is not the whole explanation.
In an individual session, only one of the people involved is in the room. I therefore cannot establish the whole truth about what has happened between you, change someone else’s behaviour or negotiate on your behalf.
What we can explore is your experience, your reactions, how you try to handle the situation and what room you have to act. The reason we explore your part is that it is within reach, not that it is the cause.
We can also try to distinguish what is actually yours from responsibility you have taken on for someone else. The work may involve understanding what is happening, expressing needs, setting boundaries or trying other ways of acting.
Sometimes the relationship changes. Sometimes what you want becomes clearer. You do not need to know the direction from the start.
Individual sessions, not couples therapy
I work individually and do not offer couples therapy. If joint sessions seem a better format, I can help you find your way forward and, when needed, put you in touch with a couples therapist.
Individual sessions can stand on their own or take place before, during or after couples therapy. You do not need to decide which arrangement is suitable before getting in touch.
A place where you can think aloud
When the difficulty is in a close relationship, it can be hard to talk to people in your own circle. The person you usually turn to may themselves be part of the situation, know those involved or have a clear view of what you should do.
I have no relationship with the people you tell me about and am bound by professional confidentiality. This gives you an opportunity to speak more freely about your experience. On the confidentiality page, I also describe the legal limits and duties that apply.
I do not steer you towards staying or leaving. If something you describe seems dangerous, degrading or calls for other support, I say so clearly and help you find your way forward.
How we work
We begin with concrete situations. What happened, how did you react and what did you do next? This helps us understand both the interaction and the patterns that may continue to create problems.
We explore what your ways of handling the situation are intended to solve, what they help with in the moment and what they cost over time. You can then try alternative behaviours, attitudes and ways of expressing what you need.
You do not need a diagnosis or a ready-made goal to begin. Wanting to understand what is happening is a sufficient starting point.
